A Host of Posts...

I really wanted to call this post "Blog Vomit," but decided against it.

This post is really going to be a bunch of small posts.

1) My mom had surgery last night. Again. She had her gall bladder removed recently. She just hasn't been improving. So last night they went back in to clean the infection out of her pancreas. The hope is that this will help her recover. I hope so anyway. I worry about her. So, Chelsea and I are going to go to St. George to visit her on Saturday. There are some who would say we should visit my dad as well while we're there. I'm not ready to do that, though. Why? Because I'm...

2) "Not Ready to Make Nice." I love this Dixie Chicks song. I know I should forgive my father for the hurt he caused me. I'm just not ready to yet. I'm also still angry at him for what he wrote to me. And I'm mad that, due to Dad's loss of memory, I can't work it out with him. I have to do it all on my own. Once I can deal with my issues I'll be ready to visit my father.

3) I can't wait for the end of June. Chelsea and I are going to the American Library Association convention in Las Vegas. She'll be working, but I can't wait to explore the exhibit hall. There's even going to be a comic book artist in Artist Alley. I want to have him sign a comic book or two.

4) My job requires me to take five consecutive days off. I'm taking these the week following the convention. This will allow me to recover from being around all those people. It will also give me time to decide which grad programs I want to apply to this fall. I also plan on applying for a couple jobs. Don't get me wrong, I love my current position, but I need a job that makes more money. I also would like a position outside of Utah. I would like to live elsewhere.

And those four points are the ones that have been weighing on my mind recently.

Throwing Snowballs at Pine Trees...

So last night Cedar City got a lot of snow. I mean it was a crazy amount of snow. 

Since we live in a basement apartment we have to cover the stairwell with a tarp when it storms unless we want to get flooded. 

When I woke up this morning I went to shake the snow off the tarp so I could let the dogs out. I looked around and saw all the trees weighted down with snow. I would guess we got at least a foot. Not that the entire fall accumulated on the ground, we probably had six to eight inches on the lawn.

I let the dogs out, put on a shirt, and went back outside to see if I could save the branches. And the power lines that the heavy branches were hanging over. We lost one branch of the quaking aspen before I got outside. I later discovered that the smaller of the two pine trees in the back yard had gone roots up, completely fallen over. I shoveled our pathway then started hitting branches with the shovel to shake the snow loose. Then I started shaking the branches with my hands. A lot of snow fell out of the trees, much of it right on top of me, and me in my basketball shorts and a Hanes undershirt. Brrr!

I could see that the upper branches of the still-standing pine tree were heavy-laden with snow. I had no way to get close enough to shake them, and the trunk was too sturdy to move. Then I had a brain-flash. Maybe I could shake the branches by throwing snowballs!

It worked, to an extent. My arm got tired quickly, and my aim isn't all that great, but I think the little I did helped. The pine tree didn't break any branches anyway, so I call that a win.

Flashbacks...

I had two odd things happen to me yesterday that I'm still puzzling my way through.

At lunch I was sitting in my car, getting ready to go back to work at the bank when I had a flashback. I remembered working at Convergys. It wasn't all that long ago that I worked there, about 15 months or so, so it's not all that odd that I am able to remember it. What makes it odd is that I absolutely hated working there.

Even more odd, the mere fact of remembering working there nearly caused me to have a panic attack. 

Last night I dreamed I was still working there. I logged on and off the phone, had conversations with people who were calling in. It was a dream, so things were a little different. You know, my current coworkers were there, the colors were different, things like that. 

I was woken up by Chelsea coming to bed. I don't know that I've ever been so grateful to be woken up.

I got up and went to the bathroom. When I got back, Chelsea apologized for waking me. I told her I was grateful. Then I went back to sleep. Luckily, I didn't return to Convergys.

These experiences got me to thinking, "What if I still had to work there? What if I hadn't found a job at the bank?" This was a sobering thought. If I'm honest with myself, with the way I felt after working for Convergys for only 3 months, if I had to stay there for well over a year there's a very real possibility that I would have taken my own life. 

It's not a pleasant thought and it makes me that much more grateful for the job I have now. I don't love every day, but I enjoy  my job and my coworkers. I like what I do. Is it my forever career? No. It is a good place for me to be right now while Chelsea and I work out what to do next.

Thank goodness for good jobs.

Little Dogs...

My little dog Joe (pronounced Jo eee) is the little dog who cries wolf.

Every time Max, the German shepherd who lives upstairs, comes outside while Joe is out there, she cries and yelps like he bit her in half.  This time he pounced at her and she got caught underneath, which hurt her. 

I was calling her in rather sternly, so when she came down the stairs and I picked her up, she cried and screamed. She has been limping around the house ever since. It's sad; she looks so pathetic. I feel bad for her.

Tomorrow Chelsea will most likely take her to the vet unless she shows some rather marked improvement.

Tonight was supposed to be a night where I wrote for my geek blog. I don't think I can focus enough to make that happen. Worried about my dog.

Downs and Ups...

I still don't know what's next for me. 

Here's what I think. I need to start working towards getting stories published. This would make me a more attractive candidate for grad school. I also think I need to start looking for a job that could become a career. No, I'm not giving up on becoming a professor. I do like having back-up plans, though, so looking for career-type jobs is a good idea. These jobs need to be outside of Utah, preferable in a city with a university that has an MFA in Creative Writing. I could take classes while working and maybe get an "in."

The last week has consisted of two downs followed by two major ups. 

Down #1: My grandmother died. She would have turned 100 this summer. She always treated me like her other grandchildren, even though I wasn't a blood relative. She was a wonderful lady and I miss her.

Down #2: My mother was taken to the hospital in St. George. She had surgery to remove her gall bladder. She is recovering now, but will be in the hospital for a while. They need to make sure her pancreas is functioning properly again. Apparently Spring has it in for my mother. 4 years ago she was in a automobile accident and had to have major surgery on her shoulder and hip. It took her a long time to recover. I hope her recovery will be much quicker this time around.

Up #1: I play a game called Magic: the Gathering. It's a fantasy-based collectible card game. I enjoy playing, but I'm not considered one of the better players in the game shop I frequent. I get along with the other players and they respect my skill, but I haven't had a high win-percentage. After visiting my mother in her hospital room I went and played at a game shop in St. George. I had never been there before. I went 3-0 and won the tournament. And I didn't just get lucky. I feel I made correct decisions and played well. This gave me a huge confidence boost.

Up #2: A couple weeks ago I made the decision to write to a couple missionaries. I don't know these young men, but I read their blogs hoping to see news or pictures of people I knew during my time as a missionary in Peru. I read about 10 missionary blogs every week. The two elders I wrote to were going through some trials that were similar to ones I experienced or witnessed in my mission. So I wrote letters. I tried to be positive and uplifting. I related my experiences and gave advice that I hoped would help. One of these Elders mentioned me in his letter to his family, which was posted to his blog. He said my letter helped. That made me feel extremely happy. I've set a goal to write to two missionaries a week. 

After the two ups I feel a lot more positive and sure of myself. I'm making plans and setting goals that will help me be a better writer and a better person.

Now to actually go and do.

Up in the Air...

While I was in high school I participated in the drama club. I don't think I was all that great an actor, but I could follow directions and I could sing. My big role came when there was a character who was basically me. When the directors decided to do "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown," I was excited. I auditioned for the role of Linus, which I thought was perfect for me. I didn't get the part. I was a little bummed, but I wasn't really too sad because I was cast as Charlie Brown. Yep, I was the star of the show. It was a fun production and I really enjoyed it. 

I still identify with Charlie Brown. A lot. Charles Schultz created an everyman that just could not get his kite to fly. He could never actually kick the football out of Lucy's hands. He never pitched a winning baseball game. He never successfully defended his little sister from the playground bully. 

You know what my favorite Peanuts story is? It's a Charlie Brown story, of course. Linus and Lucy have a little brother named Rerun. In one series of strips, Rerun plays marbles against a no-name marble shark. Rerun is using the marbles his grandfather gave him. The marble shark wins and, after the game is over, declares that the game was, "for keeps." Rerun is devastated. On his way home, he bumps into Charlie Brown, who asks him what happened. When Rerun tells Charlie Brown of the kid who took his marbles, Charlie Brown goes into his house and comes out with his own bag of marbles. He walks up to the marble shark and challenges him to a game, "for keeps."

Charlie Brown wins. He wins not only Rerun's marbles, but the shark's as well, which he then gives to Rerun. Now, if Charlie Brown had been trying to win for himself, I don't think he would have. He probably would have lost not only his own marbles, but probably had all his clothes knocked off by a particularly strong play. Since Charlie Brown was sticking up for a younger kid who had been taken advantage of, he won. Handily. Every time I read that series of comic strips I sob. 

Anyway, back to drama. My senior year the drama club performed "Anne of Green Gables." I played about 50 different roles in the play. Well, really, I played four. There were two scenes from that play that were particularly memorable. The first was not in the script. 

Jason, who played Matthew, was supposed to go on stage with Nathan, who was playing a farm hand. There they discover the remains of a party Anne had with her friend Diana, who gets drunk on raspberry currant. Right before this scene is set to go, Nathan steps on a cement screw, the head of which gets impaled in the bottom of his foot, which the point sticking out the bottom. Since Nathan went to the Emergency Room, Jason had to improvise alone in a scene meant for two performers. He did so brilliantly. Nobody in the audience knew that anything was wrong.

The second memorable scene happened later on. Matthew has passed away and Anne, played by Mariah, is talking to Marilla, played by Sara. After a few lines have gone by, Anne turns to Marilla and says, "Oh, Marilla, what are we going to do?" I remember this line because Mariah delivered it perfectly. Her voice and demeanor showed that she was on the verge of completely breaking down. It was a voice on the edge of despair; true emotion from the melodramatic Anne. Every time I saw this scene it felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest, stomped on several times, then shoved back in upside-down.

This scene has come to mind a lot recently.

Last fall I started applying to graduate schools. My goal is to become a professor.  I applied to six schools. 

All six have said, "No."

Graduate school has been the goal and the plan. My wife and I have been working towards me going to graduate school for a couple years. 

What are we going to do?

I honestly don't know. I feel lost, adrift on an unknown sea, no visible landmarks or stars to guide my path. So far I've managed to keep my depression in check, mostly by avoiding thinking about the future. I have to stop avoiding it and start thinking about what's next. 

Wish me luck.