*Obligatory Father's Day Post*

Today was a rather rough day.

Before I get going on this post, I want to write a disclaimer: I am writing this post in an attempt to explore my feelings and work my way through them. I think my father was an amazing person. He did many things really well. My experience with him throughout my life was distinct and different from your experience, whoever you are. I experienced some hurt that will never be fully resolved. If you can't leave a thoughtful, un-judgemental comment, then I'd rather you didn't comment at all.

Ok, back to today. 

It was rough.

Father's Day was omnipresent in my church meetings. I was on the verge of tears several times. The thought that kept coming back around was, "Happy Father's Day. My mother passed away a year ago and, as far as my father is concerned, I don't exist."

Let me explain. I don't exist to my father because he, quite honestly, does not remember my birth. When I visit him, I can tell that he knows he should know who I am, but he doesn't. This is due to a sequence of events. 1. Dad had a couple micro-strokes that affected him in many ways, one of which was triggering the onset of his Alzheimer's. 2. Shortly after Dad started having memory issues, Mom was in a car accident and didn't see Dad for several months. 3. Dad got it in his head that he had had three wives: His first, with whom he had six children (this is true), his second, who died in a car accident (Mom was his second wife, did not die), and his third (Mom). 

In Dad's memory I just kind of faded away, like Michael J Fox in Back to the Future. 

At least, that's what happened as near as I can figure. 

In my memory, which admittedly could be faulty, Dad would frequently give precedence to his church callings over some of the activities I participated in. During high school he would go to choir and band concerts and the plays I was in. I remember him going to a couple choir performances while I was in college. 

One that he missed sticks out. 

The choir I was in had a big Spring Variety Show. In this particular show I had a solo and a couple featured parts in small ensembles. It was a big performance for me, and I wanted my parents to be there.  They were serving as workers in the St. George Temple at the time. They said they weren't sure they could make it. I begged and pleaded. 

The performance was recorded. On the recording, just after my solo performance and the last of my small ensembles, you can see Mom walk in front of the camera. Just Mom. I was glad she was there, but so disappointed she missed my big solo. And I was crushed that Dad didn't come.

Several years later I received a letter from Dad. I had since stopped going to church because I wasn't sure that was where I wanted to be. Dad's letter was six pages long, detailing how I was a bad son because I wasn't going to church. I can't remember exactly what he wrote, but it was damaging. I can't even refer to the letter. I was so upset that I burned it.

It was shortly after that letter that dad had his strokes. And now those bad feelings won't be resolved because Dad doesn't remember me, and he certainly won't remember writing that letter.

Don't get me wrong. I'm working on letting the bad feelings go. I don't want to have negative feelings about my father. The truth is, however, that that's how I feel.

It makes Father's Day a tough day.

I hope next year will be better.

Inside Out...

...and upside down.

Well, not really upside down, but it went with "Inside Out."

I went and saw Inside Out last night. It is Pixar's latest movie, and it is a masterpiece. That's not a word I use lightly. I'm still trying to process what I feel after seeing the movie.

Honest opinion: Inside Out is the most important movie Pixar has made. It's a movie that is going to be studied in university classes. It's going to be mentioned in the list of animated movies that everyone should see, and I think it deserves a mention in with regular movies. I read a review that said the race for Best Animated Oscar is over. I can see that. I hope that Inside Out pulls a Beauty and the Beast and gets nominated for Best Picture. I think the Academy will avoid that, but Inside Out deserves it.

Inside Out is poetic. Now when I say that a book or movie is poetic, what I mean is that the work in question portrays story and emotion effectively, without wasting words. Inside Out uses all the tools of the medium in a spare manner to tell its story. Every element is doing work and working with the others to create a greater whole. This is a movie that I will need to see multiple times to fully appreciate each element.

On top of just being a great movie, Inside Out taught me an important lesson. Each emotion is important and has its place. Sure, everyone loves to be happy, but trying to be happy all the time is enormously stressful. Being sad maybe isn't necessarily enjoyable, but it is necessary sometimes. Allowing myself to be said will help me to process an emotionally tough time, work my way through it, and then achieve catharsis. Tears can be healing, if we let them.

I will need to see Inside Out  at least a couple more times before I really get a grip on how it makes me feel. I can't wait for it to be out on Blu-Ray so I can really absorb the movie. 

For now, go see Inside Out. You will love it. 

An Anniversary...

...that I don't want to forget, but that I'd just as soon not have.

See, just over a year ago my mother passed away. 

My life hasn't been a shambles, though it has become more difficult in some ways. I think part of me is in denial that she's really gone. As important dates have come and gone, I've had a tough time dealing with the fact that she won't be calling to wish me a happy birthday, or a happy anniversary, or sending me an email to comment on something I wrote on my blog. Not that I've been writing a whole lot for her to comment on.

When she died, it was a sudden thing. No one was expecting it. Honestly, my family all figured Dad would die before Mom. 

The siblings came together, helped each other out, and dealt with everything we needed to. It was nice. 

I went numb. 

I'm an emotional guy. I cry at movies, books, and tv shows. It doesn't bother me that I do. I can get a little self conscious about it, but that depends on who is around me. 

Yet when Mom died, I went numb. I got a little choked up at the funeral while I was speaking, but that was it. I was a little worried that something was wrong with me. I even tested myself by watching a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that has always made me cry. It's after Buffy's mom has died and her friends are getting ready to go support Buffy. Anya, a thousand-year old ex-demon, says the following: 

"I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."

The actress who plays Anya does an incredible job with this scene. In my opinion, it's a real tear-jerker of a moment.

But I didn't cry. 

After some thought, some real soul-searching, I decided that being numb was probably better than being catatonic. If my brain had let me feel everything in those months following Mom's death, I don't know how well I would have survived. 

On the plus side, I'm feeling again.

It's been a difficult journey. There are still some things, fallout from Mom's death, that I need to take care of, but I think I'll be able to focus on it and do it. I'm letting myself feel the grief and pain that Mom's passing has caused me. I still haven't had a good cry over it, but I'm sure that's coming. I'm just trying to take care of myself and to live each day. 

That's all I can do, right?

 

This Might Get a Little Controversial...

...so consider yourself warned.

I'm a registered Democrat. You may or may not have known that. It's quite possible you didn't care. I only mention it because I live in Utah, a staunchly Republican state. In Utah, I would be considered very liberal. In a more liberal state, I would likely be considered a moderate, if not conservative. 

I'm also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (AKA the Mormons). This is a very conservative church. 

For the last week or so I've been mulling over an article I read, linked here. In this opinion editorial, a Mormon bishop claims that Mormons who vote Democrat should not be considered worthy members of the church. I also read a couple response articles found here and here. I've been thinking of what my response would be and what my thoughts truly are in regards to being a Mormon Democrat.

I'm just going to list them and discuss them.

Abortion: I believe that a woman has the right to choose abortion. I think there should definitely be a time frame involved. I personally do feel that choosing a medically unnecessary abortion is never the right choice, but that's my personal feeling. I do not believe that I have the right to make that decision for someone else. It is HER CHOICE. 

Why do I feel that she should be allowed to make that choice? That is why we are here on Earth. To make choices. Before the Earth was created, God held a council in heaven. He presented his Plan to allow all of us to come to Earth to make choices and learn and grow. To help us, because He knew we would make mistakes, He sent His Son to atone for us, so that we could repent and return to Him. In that council, an alternative plan was presented. Lucifer wanted to save every soul. He proposed that we all come to Earth to get bodies and live, but that we should be forced to make the correct choices, we would have no chance to make mistakes or learn and grow. Everyone would be returned to God's presence. There was a war in Heaven over these two Plans. God's plan, obviously, won out. We can make choices. Even the choice to have an abortion. 

Women can choose to have an abortion. Not making laws against this act means that, if a woman should choose to abort, she can do so in a facility that is clean and safe. Will she still have to live with the consequences of aborting? Absolutely, and I believe it is something that she will think of every day of her life after. But it is HER CHOICE. The government should not legislate a woman's body.


Gay Marriage. I firmly believe that two consenting adults who wish to spend the rest of their lives together should have that decision legally recognized by the government, especially when benefits and hospital visitation rights are involved. I believe in the separation of Church and State, and I believe that separation goes both ways. Congress can't govern churches, and churches should not dictate laws. Would church authorities, such as pastors and bishops, still be allowed to perform marriages? Yes. Would they have the right to refuse to perform those marriages if their religion forbids it? Also yes. I understand, but have not studied the topic, that the law does not require Catholic priests to perform marriages for those who have been divorced before. It's the same for not being required to perform a marriage for a gay couple. 

Quite frankly, it makes sense to require everyone to get married civilly, then have a second ceremony if they wish to have a religious ceremony. That's how they do it in Peru, and in many other countries as well. It works. The government gets their legal ceremony, the couple gets their religious ceremony.

As far as gay marriage and the Church goes, well, as it has been heretofore revealed, the eternal nature of marriage is between a man and a woman. I don't really see that changing any time soon. I, personally, am all for gay marriage. 

As for the arguments I've heard:
"It makes a mockery of the institution of marriage!" Really? I think hetero marriage had already been thoroughly mocked, by those that have participated in it. Remember Britney Spears' flash-in-the-pan marriage? It lasted, what, 72 hours? What about Elizabeth Taylor's 12 marriages? How is that not mocking marriage?
"Allow two people of the same gender to marry and next people will be marrying their dogs/a child." Well, child brides have been thing for a long time, but hopefully we've abolished that. And it was only when their parents had made the contract. As for marrying pets, well, can that pet sign the marriage license? Does it know what it is doing if it is able to sign by some miracle?
"Marriage is for procreation, gay couples can't have kids." What about infertile couples? Are they required to get divorced when they can't have kids? Gay couples can adopt one, or more, of the many, many children in foster care. That's just an option off the top of my head. Foster children deserve a home, with loving parents. If those parents share a gender, well, then they share a gender.

At work I generally hold my tongue whenever my coworkers talk politics. I avoid political discussions as a matter of principal, but I also don't enjoy being grossly outnumbered. It has been nice to just let this all out. 

If you have questions, please let me know. I'll be glad to explain anything I've said here. 

 



 

A Long Absence and All the Feels...

Up until April of last year, there was one thing I could expect whenever I posted anything on my blog.

Before I get to that, I want to touch on why I blog. I do it to process my thoughts. To figure out why I feel the way I feel, think the way I think. It's therapeutic. Whenever I got a response, it was always nice to read, to see that what I wrote helped someone else or gave them insight.

But the one thing I could always expect with every new post was an email from my mother. She would generally mention how much she enjoyed what I wrote, and that I had a wonderful way of expressing myself. Sometimes she would write a long paragraph about something I had said about the way I was raised. She would try and explain her actions. I always tried to explain that I was writing not to judge her parenting skills, but to figure myself out. I think she understood that, but always felt compelled to shed additional light on the matter I had mentioned in my blog. 

I've been finding it difficult to actually sit down and write a blog for quite a while. I had things I wanted to write about, emotions I wanted to figure out, but I just couldn't find the drive to sit down and write. I couldn't really figure out why. 

This week I got it.

It's because I know I will not get an email from Mom. 

When I lost my mother at the end of May, I didn't just lose my mother. I lost the principal audience for my blog.

When I was writing to figure myself out and gain insight into who I was, I was also providing the same insight for a mother who desperately wanted to know what was happening in my life. 

I really miss my mom.

Who I Want to Be Like, Part 1...

I'm not going to use his real name, even though most of you who read this blog won't know who he is. It's not a guessing game or anything, and where he did nothing wrong he'd probably be ok with me using his name, but I want to be careful, just in case. 

I met this man while on my mission. I served in his ward twice. It was my first area, thought I didn't really get to know him until I returned a year later. Let's call him Eduardo.

When I returned his wife had started cooking meals for my companion and I and another set of Elders. When I walked in my first day back she said hello, then, "We had another Elder Crosby here about a year ago. Was he your cousin?" I said that that was me. She responded, "No, you can't be, he was nice and fat." It took a while to convince her that I was the same guy. When Eduardo came in he said hello and gave me a big hug. He recognized me right away.

It didn't take long for me to notice that while Eduardo was a returned missionary, he didn't participate at church. He never gave talks, never gave the prayer, nothing. I found out that he had been excommunicated. I didn't ask what had happened because, well, excommunication is a private matter. Later on I found out the story. 

Eduardo had been a member of the Stake High Council. One night he caught the Stake President stealing tithing money. Eduardo called the president on it, so the president excommunicated Eduardo. Obviously this was an abuse of power, but when someone came to Eduardo's defense, that person was also excommunicated. I don't know how many years this lasted. I would assume more than five, because Stake Presidents typically serve about five years, and I think Eduardo was waiting it out.

Even though his excommunication was completely unjust, Eduardo followed the rules. He didn't participate in church, didn't take the sacrament, didn't wear his garments. What he did do was go to church every Sunday. He paid his tithing, albeit through his wife. He didn't complain or speak ill of the Stake President.

He would often get asked to pray, or explain the meaning of a passage of scripture. He would simply decline and say he couldn't. 

His oldest daughter turned eight between the times I was there first and the second time. She wanted to wait until her dad could baptize her. I think she was almost nine before her parents convinced her to be baptized, that it was going to be a long time before her father could perform that ordinance. 

I cannot imagine the pain Eduardo experienced on a daily basis. He was always cheerful, never bitter. In his situation it would have been so easy to get angry at the Church, to decide that he just didn't want to be a part of it anymore. 

I cannot fully express my admiration for Eduardo's Faith and Humility. He is the personification of long-suffering. He loved having the missionaries in his house on a regular basis. He took the time to help my companion and I when we were having troubles.  He waited patiently for the time to come when the records were corrected. Those records have long since been corrected. He is even more happy and prosperous than ever before. He hasn't let his ordeal change him. He never let his faith waiver. He knew that everything would be made right. And it has. 

I want to be like him.

  

My Mother's Funeral...

...went very well. At least I think so. 
     I was asked to speak at the funeral. I put a lot of thought in what I wanted to say about my mother. Here is what I prepared to say. What I actually said was a little different, but not by a whole lot.

My siblings asked me to speak today. When I asked them what topic they wanted me to focus on, they said to speak on Mom. My first thought was, "That sounds kind of like a eulogy, and we already have one of those, I don't know that we need another." So i thought some more, trying to figure out what angle I could take.

            I remember Mom as a natural caregiver; she liked taking care of others. She didn't want anyone to fuss over her, and she never wanted to be the center of attention. You could tell this about Mom by how fast she would cover her face or hide when a camera came out at family gatherings. I'm pretty sure Mom wouldn't want a sad funeral, full of people saying how much we miss her. I'm kind of surprised she didn't pull a Grandma Adams and nix the idea of a funeral completely.

            So the direction I want to take is to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. So what I want to talk about today are Things You May Not Know About Mignon Adams Crosby. Or maybe you did. My hope is that I can help you smile, or laugh, or giggle, and forget the gaping hole her passing has left in our lives, even if only for a few minutes.

·         Mom was a social worker. She helped those in need, particularly in the area of placing children in adoptive homes. She did this in California and Utah. One of the children she placed grew up right here in Kanab.

• ·         Either in college or while she was in California she had a fish named Dammit.
  ·         While attending BYU, Mom had a deaf roommate named Chick. Chick was pretty adept at reading lips. When Mom and her other roommates wanted to say something and not lot Chick "hear," they would cover their mouths with their hands.
        In the late 70s/early 80s her favorite television show was The incredible Hulk. Later on her favorite show would be Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and, even later, Friends. I find it incredibly amusing that one of her favorite shows was The incredible Hulk. When i was a kid she wouldn't let me watch Thundercats because the main villain, Mumm-Ra, was "ugly." I think that if you held an ugly contest between Mumm-Ra and the Hulk it would probably end in a tie.
  ·         For many years her favorite author was Danielle Steele. Right up until she and Dad were called as Temple Workers. Then she stopped reading her romance novels and gave them away.
  ·         Mignon sounds like an easy name to say, but not if you see it written first. Mom was the one listed in the phone book and we always knew when it was a telemarketer calling. Well, a telemarketer or Aunt Celeste. She never quite got the hang of Mom's name. "Mick nun."
  ·         When you lived in or stayed at Mom's house you quickly learned that she had many rules. My friend Mariah Alderman once got banned from the house for "being too loud." If you know my sisters this seems like a silly rule to have. When Dad was gone Mom would sometimes declare that lunch was under "library rules," meaning no one talked, we just ate and read our books. Once when several of us came home for Christmas we found that Mom had actually prepared and posted a list of rules for us to follow while we were there. I can't remember specifics, but it was quite long.
  ·         Mom would occasionally be unintentionally funny. For example, while I was on my mission, Mom had everyone pass around a tape recorder and say hello. When it was Mom's turn she said, and I quote, "It's so hard to think and talk at the same time." End quote.
  ·         Mom was a creature of habit, especially when it came to Sundays. Before going to church she would put our Sunday dinner in the oven to cook. It was almost always roast beef, mashed potatoes, carrots, onions, gravy, and a side vegetable. If we were assigned the Celestial or Terrestrial church times (11:00 or 9:00) we would have the roast dinner for lunch. Supper would be cinnamon toast and hot chocolate or holiday orange bread. If we were at the telestial time (1:00) Sunday dinner would be dinner. At 7 or 8 O'clock mom would prepare popcorn then go upstairs to read her book. She would usually take her Pepsi with her. Well, it started as Pepsi, then she switched to Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, then to Diet Coke, then to regular Coke. Mom was a complex person.
  ·         You had to watch Mom pretty close. She would sometimes ask you "For a swig" of your drink then proceed to drink half of it. Depending on the size of your drink, that was way more than a swig.
  ·         Mom had some bad habits, but they were ones she couldn't help. She had a cacophonous sneeze. Keith and his family could hear it across the street. Maria and I once went to Ace hardware for something. We walked all the way there. While shopping, we heard Mom sneeze. She was at the front of the store while we were at the back. We walked up and found her. Mom would deny this strenuously, but she also snored. When I came home from work at 3AM, I would creep up the stairs then listen at my parents' door. There were two distinct snoring patterns going on. She never believed me when I tried to tell her this.
  ·         Mom was super organized. For example, whenever we traveled to Mesa to visit family we would leave at 7AM. Once we passed Fredonia, Mom would hand out Donuts and Chocolate milk. Two days before leaving she would freeze a jug or two of water so we had cold water all the way to Mesa. We would always stop in Cameron for a potty-break. Mom always had butterscotch candies for us to suck on. And we always listened to John Denver, Patsy Cline, & Afterglow.
  ·         Mom was also brilliant with finances. She would feed our family on a teacher's salary. That takes smart budgeting and organization. And powdered milk.
  ·         Just over 4 years ago, Mom was in an automobile accident. The following were things she said while medicated.
  ·         She got a voicemail from her sister Helen. Mom was talking and responding to the recording. She realized what she was doing and laughed then kept on talking to the voicemail.
  ·         At one point she was adjusting the blanket and said, "Oooh, it's not very wide. (disappointed) Oh, I forgot where I was going to itch."
  ·         Mom declared she was bejeweled at one point due to all the electrodes that were monitoring her body.
  ·         While on the phone with Helen (for real this time, not a recording) she started coughing and hacking, then said, "Well, actually, it's from a hose that was stuck down my throat last night."
  ·         At one point Maria checked her phone then said, "Ohhh, it's Josh's last day with his Scout group." Mom responded, "Why? Are they kicking him out?"
  ·         After getting her gall bladder removed, Mom said a couple funny things while again medicated.
  ·         She described getting an MRI: "They put me through the donut-hole."
  ·         She also said to her nurse after maneuvering out of bed, "Help me go to the bathroom. Well, support me and I'll do the rest."

Mom's done and said many more funny things. From here I want to shift gears just a little. There will still be some humorous notes, but I wanted to mention some things that represent even more closely who Mom was.

            In 3 Nephi 14: 16-20, Christ is talking about false prophets and how to recognize them, but it teaches us how to recognize a good person.

16. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

17. Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

18. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

19. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down and cast into the fire.

20. Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them.

            When Mom married Dad, Dad already had six children. A lot of people wonder how she managed, because that's a rather daunting prospect. Mom was a wonderful person, and I think that covers most of how, but there's one other ingredient: Mom had practice.

            When Mom was 15, her mother, Zada Perry Adams, died, leaving Mom, her dad Louis, and her two brothers, Jerry and Mark. A couple years later, Louis met Theda Shelley, whose husband had died in a car accident, leaving her with six children, Donald, Linda, Mark, Marla, Raelene, and Helen. Since Mignon was 17, and almost ready to graduate and go off to college, Louis and Theda decided Mignon should have her own bedroom, much to the consternation of her four new sisters and Mark Shelley, who had to share a bedroom with those four sisters. Something that Mom learned from this experience that she took with her when she married Dad and had two more kids was that we are siblings, not half siblings, not step siblings, just siblings.

            Mom loved her brothers and sisters very much. She loved to go on the Sisters' Retreat that they had every year or so.

            So to Mom, suddenly having six children wasn't completely out of her previous experience, just that before she suddenly had six new siblings.

            Mom first got to know Dad through letters. Dad was living in McGill Nevada at the time and Mom was in Mesa, AZ. Dad wrote first. When mom got his letter she thought it was from a real estate agent in Nevada. She quickly learned differently. After getting married, Mom and Dad lived in McGill for a little while then moved to Utah, first to Alton, then to Kanab once they found a house. A year later they found a better house on the same block, and moved there, where the family lived up to present times. That house is home.

            After the family moved to Kanab, Keith Robinson came home from his mission in England. seeing that he had new neighbors he came over to say hello. The story goes that Mom answered the door, saw that it was Keith and said, "Lisa, it's for you!"

            Having a daughter and son-in-law live nearby was handy. Once, when Mom and Dad went out of town, Mom had Lisa and Keith take care of me. While Mom was gone, Lisa potty-trained me and weaned me from my bottle. Most mothers don't have it t hat easy.

            Later on, Mom was pregnant with Andi. At the same time, my sister Lisa was pregnant with Brandi Dawn and my sister-in-law Kathleen was pregnant with Daniel. since they were in the same ward, the three families would sit together in Sacrament meeting. Sometimes Dad would be sitting alone for a minute with his pregnant wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law. People gave him some strange looks.

            Mom also touched t he lives of everyone in the 4th ward. She was Relief Society Presdient for 5 years. In those five years she carried the burden of organizing 62 funerals. That's an average of just over 1 per month, for five years. The phone rang for her so often we would often say, "Mom, it's for you!" before even answering it. And this was before the days of caller ID. After the call we would often ask, "Who died?"

            Mom served willingly and well, even when the thought of her calling gave her panic attacks, like when she and Dad received their mission call to Thailand. The people there still love her. I have received a couple messages from her friends there saying how said they are and how much they miss her.

            By their fruits ye shall know them. we are the fruits of Mignon's time on the Earth. And if the fruit is any proof, Mignon Adams Crosby was a pretty amazing person. Mom I love you and I miss you. I hope you keep and eye on all of us and let us know when we're breaking the rules.

            May we remember the good and happy things from Mignon's life as we struggle to find our way in world without her.

            I'm grateful for the Gospel and for my knowledge of life after death. It gives me hope. Mom, no offense, but while I can't wait to see you again, I hope it isn't for a while.

            In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.