Friday, January 16, 2015

A Long Absence and All the Feels...

Up until April of last year, there was one thing I could expect whenever I posted anything on my blog.

Before I get to that, I want to touch on why I blog. I do it to process my thoughts. To figure out why I feel the way I feel, think the way I think. It's therapeutic. Whenever I got a response, it was always nice to read, to see that what I wrote helped someone else or gave them insight.

But the one thing I could always expect with every new post was an email from my mother. She would generally mention how much she enjoyed what I wrote, and that I had a wonderful way of expressing myself. Sometimes she would write a long paragraph about something I had said about the way I was raised. She would try and explain her actions. I always tried to explain that I was writing not to judge her parenting skills, but to figure myself out. I think she understood that, but always felt compelled to shed additional light on the matter I had mentioned in my blog. 

I've been finding it difficult to actually sit down and write a blog for quite a while. I had things I wanted to write about, emotions I wanted to figure out, but I just couldn't find the drive to sit down and write. I couldn't really figure out why. 

This week I got it.

It's because I know I will not get an email from Mom. 

When I lost my mother at the end of May, I didn't just lose my mother. I lost the principal audience for my blog.

When I was writing to figure myself out and gain insight into who I was, I was also providing the same insight for a mother who desperately wanted to know what was happening in my life. 

I really miss my mom.