Sunday, May 31, 2015

An Anniversary...

...that I don't want to forget, but that I'd just as soon not have.

See, just over a year ago my mother passed away. 

My life hasn't been a shambles, though it has become more difficult in some ways. I think part of me is in denial that she's really gone. As important dates have come and gone, I've had a tough time dealing with the fact that she won't be calling to wish me a happy birthday, or a happy anniversary, or sending me an email to comment on something I wrote on my blog. Not that I've been writing a whole lot for her to comment on.

When she died, it was a sudden thing. No one was expecting it. Honestly, my family all figured Dad would die before Mom. 

The siblings came together, helped each other out, and dealt with everything we needed to. It was nice. 

I went numb. 

I'm an emotional guy. I cry at movies, books, and tv shows. It doesn't bother me that I do. I can get a little self conscious about it, but that depends on who is around me. 

Yet when Mom died, I went numb. I got a little choked up at the funeral while I was speaking, but that was it. I was a little worried that something was wrong with me. I even tested myself by watching a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that has always made me cry. It's after Buffy's mom has died and her friends are getting ready to go support Buffy. Anya, a thousand-year old ex-demon, says the following: 

"I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."

The actress who plays Anya does an incredible job with this scene. In my opinion, it's a real tear-jerker of a moment.

But I didn't cry. 

After some thought, some real soul-searching, I decided that being numb was probably better than being catatonic. If my brain had let me feel everything in those months following Mom's death, I don't know how well I would have survived. 

On the plus side, I'm feeling again.

It's been a difficult journey. There are still some things, fallout from Mom's death, that I need to take care of, but I think I'll be able to focus on it and do it. I'm letting myself feel the grief and pain that Mom's passing has caused me. I still haven't had a good cry over it, but I'm sure that's coming. I'm just trying to take care of myself and to live each day. 

That's all I can do, right?


1 comment:

  1. Glad you are feeling better! When I'm depressed my feelings go numb, too.